Key

Mastering your research topic is a challenge, but overcoming the impostor syndrome is war.

For the first time in my life, I have done it (in my mock VIVA)! I was more than happy. I was exhilarated!!! and have been trying to figure out what have I done. The answer is what haven’t I done. This post (written in a foreign language) is a ramble of thoughts to go back to whenever I fall out of track.

A month of pause in this word-blog, was devoted to preparing for my mock VIVA that happened last week. Now it’s time to improve, review and edit my thesis for the final submission.

During the past month, I have prepared as if it was the actual VIVA creating material that made me ready for a great conversation about my thesis (this was my vision). I was not as detailed as some of my colleagues but I had a system to know where everything was in my thesis. Knowing that was huge for me. I had a big amount of colour-coded post-it notes and annotations in the printed thesis. (Make it beautiful and you will feel better about it. A certain dose of care shows respect for your work and what led you here, I say.) Adding to that I have written synthesised answers to key PhD viva questions that ranged from the high level to the detail. But the content of the preparation for my mock is not what I want to focus here.

This post is about what worked for me to conquer anxiety and her infamous twin brother: impostor syndrome.

Preparation is key. Not only by repetition but also by the breadth of the questions I was answering (guided by one of those fantastic prep books). Time is key. Time to allow me to feel good about just being me. Forget what others (might) think, forget gossip, and do MY thing. For people suffering from this lovely parasite called impostor syndrome feeling good about “just being me” is non-existent most of the times. We are trying to be super-beings in all our roles (mum-lover-daughter-granddaughter-friend-citizen-professional). In my case, I want to make a change in the world by working with people to help them fulfil their potential (I’ve had a long thought on this in the past), but for that I’m realising (slowly and sometimes not even doing it) I need to focus on myself (not the same as being selfish) to keep the impostor syndrome away.

Time is key. Time to allow me to feel good about just being me. Again: Forget what others (might) think, forget gossip, and do MY thing.

Back to my PhD: having spent 4 years doing this PhD is not equal to having spent 4 years deeply immersed in my topic or original contribution to knowledge, of course. If we take out all the time devoted to reading, thinking, writing-editing, networking/conferencing, designing, talking, procrastinating, stressing (crying for some), feeling guilty, feeling as if your research is meaningless as time passes, and even considering the meaning of your own life, it is less than 1 year the amount of time where you know the value of your work. Even then you still need to improve your argument. No perfection, and it’s OK.

What I haven’t done that is key was being concerned with the opinion of others, which is hard since I really care for others and want to help (personally and professionally) in any way I can. I had to be really disciplined to maintain boundaries and isolate myself when needed to focus mostly on my challenges instead of trying to help others with their challenges. My antennae are always aiming to outside happenings. It was/is very hard, especially because having moved countries to do a PhD means that I had to start building friendships from scratch and that takes time. It’s work in progress and I’m seeing that I can deal with the impostor syndrome in this internal Cold War type of experience.

In all of this, I really need to keep a closer eye on myself and on what I really can/want to do so that the we-know-who doesn’t invade my actual VIVA.